In retrospect of my first relationship

It just happened and ended so suddenly. The purpose of writing this article, for one part, is to let me look backward about what happened and what I felt when I’m old like 60 years old. 

Maybe we’re not mature enough to go on with trust issues. Maybe we’re not suitable in the long run. Maybe we’re too young to know how to handle problems in a relationship. 

I feel I’m not getting used to living without you. It’s difficult to forget about you. I feel such a deep emptiness without you. 

However, I feel peaceful these days. There is no one shouting at me saying that you hide another girl. There is no one who secretly checks my phone when I sleep. 

The past is the past. The present is the present. The future is the future. 

I wish to plant a wish that because of this life event, we both can grow in terms of how to treat your partner better, we both can forgive each other about the mistakes we did in the past, we both can go on with our lives with the love, happiness, joy we have created in the past. 

There is still such a strong affection and connection in my heart with you. However, maybe it’s not the right decision to ask you back, maybe it’s the right decision to let go of you, because it’s not a joke to spend the rest of your life being questioned about my loyalty. 

1 The last biggest mistake to end the relationship

On Feb 20 2021, I woke up on the bed. She started to shout at me saying that I have three other women. She continued to shout because she didn’t trust me. She thought I had affairs. I think we’ve always been together on the days of the Chinese New Year. We went out to eat, and to the beach to see the beautiful stars. I’m with you nearly all the time except when I go to work. 

Actually it has been months that she questioned my integrity. 

I just woke up and was not that fully conscious. I checked my phone and found that she hacked my Facebook and two Google accounts again. She also posted something very bad on behalf of my Facebook saying that I’m a cheater. I suddenly felt so angry that she invaded my privacy. I’ve always been loyal to her. Why didn’t she trust me like this? Then I took a kitchen tool to ask her to give me back my Facebook account. She got so frightened and gave me back my Facebook account. And then she called the police and left with the police. We’re no longer living together.

I was too emotional. I’m so sorry to make you scared. Why didn’t I explain to her about her accusation first? My anger was like a volcano. I was generally such a calm person but all of a sudden I couldn’t bear anymore. My ability to control my emotions has a lot to improve. Anyway I’m not right to intimidate her like this. She’s also not right to hack my privacy like this.

2 If I had a chance to explain about her accusation

For the 世界帝國 KTV, at that night I’m home searching for the videos game 世界帝國 on Google. I also watched some Youtube videos of 世界帝國 as she saw it. Because I liked to play this game when I was young. Perhaps Google also used the term to search on Maps and found a place called 世界帝國 KTV. I had no intention to take another woman to KTV. 

And for the address I search on Maps. I really have no idea about it. Perhaps when I drove by scooter and used the Maps, I mistakenly clicked on some places on the Map.

3 Thank you for all the memories

I enjoy our time sharing our work, our life with you. 

I’ll remember how deep we like each other when you’re studying in NTU. I’ll remember how affectionate we are to each other. Maybe after several years these feelings will go away, I would like to write it down with words now as a memory.  

I enjoy the time we spent together, going to the gym together, going to the swimming pool together. going to see the stars together.

I hope you appreciate I dry your hair after you take a shower. I hope you appreciate that I take care of you when you’re in Taiwan to stay with me.

I enjoy that we hug and kiss each other on the bed.

I remember we kissed for so long in front of the guard of NTU dorm. 

I appreciate that you dress so pretty for me.

I enjoy listening to your daily stories. 

I’ll remember how much you try to spend time with me. 

I’ll remember that you took me to travel to the amazing Venice in Italy. It’s such a beautiful city.

I miss the time when we’re traveling in Croatia and met Lidija.  

Thank you for all the sweet memories you give me. Thank you for all the sweetness you taught me. Thank you for accompanying me for three years of your life. 

4 What I’ve been suffered from her

She installed a monitoring app called Qustodio to track every move on my phone, and whenever she found something wrong that she thinks it may be an affair, she shouted at me and accused me of cheating, while I’m loyal. I really don’t know what happened that makes her start to not trust me so much.

When I told her I took a walk in the afternoon at work, she got so angry and accused me that I went to a motel with another girl.

Once she downloaded all the passwords I saved on my Chrome, and when I found out about it, she didn’t want to give me back my data.

She cheated on me with another guy called Jay. She went out with him without telling me. She kissed him and held hands with him. That hurts me so much.

Once I didn’t tell her I had some bonus from my company, and she got so angry that I’m financially dishonest. I thought it’s my own privacy with respect to my money. And sometimes if I didn’t want to offer her something, then she got so angry. Maybe she’s too greedy or I didn’t earn enough to satisfy her financial need. But sometimes she also understands that I do have some budget concerns. 

5 What I can improve overall

Emotional control is important, and don’t intimidate others. 

When your partner loses trust in you, it’s important to rebuild trust by communication, connection, and sincerity.

6 Wishes

I wish you to meet a better guy for you, a guy who knows how to cooperate with your tough personality, a guy who fits your need for full honesty, a guy who is willing to listen to you and take care of you. 

I hope that your card reading business grows to a point where you don’t need to worry about your general expenses. You’re such a smart girl with a resilient personality. 

Perhaps we will not talk anymore, perhaps in a few months you will fly back to Italy, I hope your parents will treat you well. I hope you can start to learn how to appreciate the kindness people offer to you.

I wish you to learn that happiness comes from gratitude, forgiveness, and altruism, rather than the hatred, shouting, and attacks you did on me. 

I wish you to continue the habit of going to the gym to make you stay healthy.